Sorrow's · Touch

Dang, I keep forgetting I'm still have a journal here. Now that the semester is over I have enough time to make a quick post. Okay, big news, I met a girl and I'm dating her. I think it's starting to get serious and she's really top class material. Cute, kinda shy, and supremely super to hang out with. Now that the break is here I don't know when I'll be able to hang out with her since she lives somewhat of a drive away. The break should go by fast, though so I might be back in her arms before ya know it. Other news, the parents are big time on my case since I got back and I've been having trouble controlling my frustrations with them. I can only hope I don't snap and start swinging punches their way. That's the least of my worries though. I have so much work to get done on my final film for this last semester it ain't even funny! Oh I'm going to start panicking any second if I don't finish my character models and environments. I might squeeze in some work between visiting friends and going to Cancun, aside from Christmas and Newyear parties. Ugh, so much to do and this is supposed to be my vacation! Well gotta run, hope everyone is having a great holiday season. Give me a ring if your fingers be singing my name!

~ Chris ~

Recently there was a Video Game Day held here at CCS in the auditorium. It was during one of my classes that day where I had to take a quiz. Right after I finished the quiz I left the class without explaining my reasons and went to go participate. There were three tournaments being held, and like the gamer I am I signed up for all three. The first was the newly released Gears of War Tournament where players faced off in a three round deathmatch using the weapons on hand to pulverize their opponents. I was the first to face off against the only player who had actually owned the game and had a chance to play it before. After a quick jaunt to get used to the controls I managed to find my opponent in the arena and fire upon him. However he quickly returned fire and killed me where I stood. With a renewed eagerness the next round started and I luckily found him caught off guard and barraged him with bullets. However, my brief victory was overturned as he ran at me with a saw and cut me in twain. And thus I lost the first tournament in the first match up. Luckily the next one was a Guilty Gear tournament and I happened to be a veteran warrior of the game. I selected my character Baiken, as I had the most maneuverability with her and her style matched my own best. I plowed through my opponents until I reached the last one against my roommate and long time sparring partner Andrew. Each round was immensily tense and I could tell that he was as excited as I was. The first went to him through a long string of hit combos and wore me down even with my greater defense. The next I was fighting at the edge of life to inflict as much damage as I could and finally won the last strike before he could finish me off. Finally the final round came and I was so happy with my own performance that I said that I didn't care who won after this point. I could feel my glee reflected in my attacks as I easily danced around his movements. However as I drove him down he readied his long practiced super combo which finished me off utterly. Had I practiced as long as he had I might have won, ah well. The prize for that tournament was the game God of War, and though he said I could play it whenever I wanted, it still saddened me to not have it for myself. In any case I thought I'd make it up to myself by working hard in the next tournament, for Super Smash Brothers Melee. I chose my best character of course, Samus, the star of Metroid games. One could say I have a thing for tomboy characters. There were four sets of four that competed. Only one of each four would go to the next round. The match was easy enough at first, but the level itself was treacherous. The arena was on small islands of rock, and falling into the water meant losing. I managed to dodge and parry attacks that came my way and attacking when opennings were made and then I had to face another of my roommates, Nick. He was making things difficult as the character Falco from Star Fox games. He was far too quick for me, even if I had the advantage of power. Still, with my calm and reserved defense I managed to trip and knock him down off the level. My victory led me to the next round where the best players congregated. I found that this match was twice as difficult. I had barely a moment to think as I bounded between players, dealing as much damage as I could only to escape without a second to spare as they made their attacks. Eventually the match was worn down to two, me and the one who chose the character Roy from Fire Emblem. He was a tricky one. Though our power was equal, I had the advantage of an extra life. But since he could focus on me and no other opponents he could execute his quick defenses. It amazed me how easily he brushed aside my attacks and how quickly he anticipated my movements. I felt I was hovering above him, searching for ways to close the distance without being sent back reeling from his blows. In the end I was hurlded outside the arena, and though I could have easily maneuvered back into it, I decided to drop down on a cloud platform. Much to my horror I flew right through it and met my end. It was appauling how I could place second in both tournaments and still come out empty handed. Certainly I gave my opponents a challenge, though. Ah well, such is the way of things. Always the second best.

Aside from gaming news, I find myself amidst the same work I've been continuing thus far. Though I have reached a landmark or two along the way I find that my destination lay far out of sight. Some of my classes will yield a decent bounty, while others continue to be harsher soil to lay seed. My own personal projects are now completely on the sidelines and I long to have the time to pursue them once more. Perhaps once the semester ends I will have time to recollect myself and get a head start on these projects once more.

Aside from that, I'm invited to join a party in Rochester, I think I'll stop by for a bit for some good company.

~ Chris

Ack! Well yesterday I was dedicated to the cause of finishing my sound design midterm project. I had planned it out perfectly. As soon as I wake up, I go to rent the recording equipment I need. On my way I saw Josue my roommate and he agreed to come along with me. Lucky! I have an assistant and so I go and get the recording equipment and set off to my destination. After much driving on back roads I find the forested area I need to record my ambiance and forest foley and sound effects. After making sure the sound was perfect I headed back to school to begin editing. Much to my horror and dismay I find the disk had recorded nothing, not a single blip, and all because it was plugged into the wrong port, identical ports right next to each other. How the heck was I supposed to know! And I only had a few hours left to edit the sound. So I sighed and decided to fudge together what I could with what I had. And blast it all I wasn't happy with it. And to top it all off my throat became agonizingly sore for the rest of the night. Furthermore I hadn't had dinner and there was nothing but nothing to eat aside from ramen, which I might add, is no longer on my list of enjoyable foods. I don't know what it is but for some reason the stuff makes me sick to my stomach nowadays. Probably too much starch in my diet. In any case I go to Meijer with Josue and Aaron and we fill the carts and make the purchases and I finally go home and collapse on the bed to await the next day so I can wake up for my early class.

Not all that fun of a day, by my standards. Luckily it didn't have any significant consequences, so I can't complain anymore than I already have. Now for the weekend I'm not sure what to do with myself aside from my desperate attempts at catching up with my workload. Perhaps it will yield something more fun than that. Toodeloo!

~ Chris

Spinning
Weaving the webs of lives
The strands of fate
The noose that slowly constricts against the neck
The feel of rope on skin
The wires that puppet our erratic movements
The unseen hands guiding an unseen pattern
Twitching at random
Like a convulsing corpse
A fate written in blood
Carved into flesh and imprint of death

That aside, I went to a comicon this weekend. Today in fact. I went with my beloved friend Samantha who had invited me to go with her. I haven't been to a comicon since the last one we went to together some years ago. It was a pleasant way to spend my afternoon. I saw many booths with many talents and many artistic ventures that I made many mental notes about. Lori Petty, the talented lead in "Tank Girl" and a cast in "A League of Their Own" was there giving autographs. She's still quite sexy given that she's been out of the limelight for some time. Since I got back I've been spending some time on my work, making sure I'm ready for this new week of classes. I'm somewhat worried that everything is going to fall apart if I don't catch up with my projects. But the more anxious I get about it the less work I get done, so I've decided to push my worries to the back of my mind and just pace myself. *dances* Okay well I'm going to go do stuff now.

~ Chris

CHRIS CRAFTON is a genius! Okay, not really, in fact, I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but I'm putting out a decent wattage. But I'm hitting my classes with a fist of an angry god and I'm finally making some headway. My storyboards for my project came out great and prompted some great feedback from my Senior Studio. Now I'm ready to go full force into production and I'm nearly done with the head models for both my characters. Blend shapes aside, I'm realizing just how much work there needs to be done before I can really call this project completed. I had some crazy notion that I could get this done by the end of the semester but I'll have to extend it into the second semester as well. It's not like I could have avoided it, everyone else is in the same boat. I just want it DONE, I want my brilliance up on the screen and shining in its glory. Ah well, patience, PATIENCE!!! ARGH!!!!!!

I've been reading and writing a lot this semester. After charging through Harry Potter 6 I've been chistling away at a series of books by Katherine Kerr. I already read through the series back in high school but since she came out with her latest book this year I have to refresh my memory on what was going on in the story. It brings back so many memories of the characters and I realize that a lot of the story influenced my personality in my tender years of youth. Going back I reflect on those moments, reading about swords and sorcery and the fantasies that filled my heart with joy. Some of it seemed silly, but the conflicts the characters went through and the mature content that was included, I'm surprised I didn't turn out more perverse. Then again I'm pretty perverse as it is. As for writing I'm creating a story to compliment my characters that I've been working on my deviantart page browneyeboy.deviantart.com . I have yet to begin real work on my third creation in the Sisterhood series, but the story just seems to never end.

Besides that I'm all dressed up and professional looking today. Aren't I the fancy one. For the storyboards we had to dress like we were pitching our ideas to a client or somewhat like it. Black shoes, black socks, black dress pants, and a nice clean button up shirt. Pretty basic, but that's fancy for me, so mlah! Ah the work never ends, though, so I have to get back to it. Thanks for caring! ^_^

~ Chris

Over the weekend the Vet Clinic called and said they'd like to arrange a meeting to go over the website. It's really the first deadline they'd given me since I started at school. I figure they expected it to be done the first week but it's already three weeks later and it's still not done. Hell they haven't even contacted me about it until now. Apparently it was because they lost my phone number and had to call my brother Jeff to get ahold of me. When I got there, though, after waiting a half an hour in the lobby all they wanted to talk about was some minor changes and get my e-mail and phone number. They could have easily just called me about it, but I guess they wouldn't have been satisfied with that. So now I have to take the website I had up down so I can send it to her for validation. Well I guess it'll make it easier on me if we stay in contact through email. I spent all night working on that website to have it ready too and apparently they haven't even looked at it for the last two weeks. Ick.

I'm also starting to wonder if I should continue using my livejournal account. I haven't actually been updating regularly, and I don't have all that much to say anymore. I dunno. I'm just thinking. Anyways, I have to get to my classes, I'm starting to fall behind in my work.

~ Chris

Today was rather productive. Last night we were playing Dungeons and Dragons in the apartment and Josue called our friend Al to see if she and her boyfriend Mike wanted to play. Just so happens that he accidently called a different Al who just so happens needed to talk to me about proctor hours. She said my schedule was on Tuesdays during a time that I had class. I couldn't access my e-mail so I didn't even know my schedule. She needed me to switch a shift with her though so I went in today to talk to the schedule girl Michelle about it. While running around I also got my car registration sticker and ran into a lot of friendly faces. I ended up getting my schedule worked out even though I had to work today since they had no one else available. So I started working at 11am and I'm sitting here now after filling the printers and helping all the new students get to their classes. A lot of computers aren't working right too since most of them are new and their networks are a little screwy. I finally managed to sit down for a bit and work on the Vet Website. As soon as I get off of work, though, I have to head to my first class, Senior Studio. And I have a class after that so my dinner is going to be around 10pm. Busy first day of school. Tomorrow should be a lot easier. The greatest part of today was that I've met like ten people already who I've never talked to before. It's quite unusual for me. Anyways, peace!

~ Chris

Well I beat Dead Rising, and that was only a few days after getting it too. Now I resort to playing through Infinite Mode to see how long I can last in a zombie infested mall. So far it's been a day and an hour. And I can't seem to get past the 5000 kill mark for zombies. I keep mowing them down with cars and bullets but I can only kill so many so fast. Anyways I decided to switch to a less action packed game, Myst III: Exile. I've already gotten through one third of the game in a day and without help from walkthroughs either. I was proud of myself how I was able to find the solution to some of the puzzles, and some were just downright confusing it was making my head ache. But now I'm stuck in Agarrin or whatever the hell it's called. It's just as well, though, since we're headed to Silver Lake tomorrow. I'm all packed and we're leaving sometime in the morning. We'll be back in a few days and I won't have to go to work, just relax, swim, and read some of my books. I might even sketch some new characters up or even write some new story concepts. But what I really should do is finalize an idea for my senior studio. It'll come to me eventually I'm sure. The book I've been reading lately is Elegant Universe by Brian Greene, on the Superstring Theory. It's an okay read. Well, later days!

~ Chris

Yay, I got a digital camera today. It's sleek and shiny and fits in my pocket. I'm going to take lots of pictures now. I was planning on using it to make textures and source images for my 3d artwork, but I think using it for personal reasons is fun too. Oddly enough I got the game Dead Rising today. It's a zombie game for X-box 360 and you go through a mall using just about anything as a weapon and kill zombies. It's so fun. The main character is a photojournalist, so he takes pictures of zombies while he's running around. Its fun to buy stuff and then rip open the packaging to start using it. I'd hate to buy something I wouldn't use. Other than that I posted my first completed artwork on my deviantart page - browneyeboy.deviantart.com and it turned out rather nice. I used my wacom tablet for once and it made it really easy. I might be making a lot more character designs soon too. The guys have been calling me up more and more as well. They know that the fall semester is around the corner and they want to have some parties before it gets here. I'll hopefully be having a lake party the week before I go back so that should be fun. Overall I guess the summer isn't bad. The work was a little mind-numbing and my social life could have used some maintenance, but I got what I wanted to get done finished and had some nice experiences. Too bad this optimistic outlook won't last very long. Maybe I can keep myself motivated for a bit longer though. Tomorrow I may actually finish the project I've been working on at Dangerous Games and as soon as its done I'm going to take a break for a while. I'll likely stay at Virutaleyes until the schoolyear starts though since they pay so well. But it'll give me enough time to get my own projects done like brainstorming for senior studio.

Well that's all the updates for now, toodeloo.

~ Chris

God: God, the supreme being, the creator, the divine. What sort of creature is God? Is God all powerful, is God all knowing? How can one tell the will of God from everything else, or is the will of God the only will at all? Is all predetermined, is all set in stone, or is all chaotic choices made on one's own. Perhaps God is the universe itself, the world in which we all live. Perhaps God is nothing more than the chance to exist on our own. Perhaps God's consciousness is the pattern in the stars, the rhythm of the cosmos, the echo of the beginning. Regardless of the truth, how does God affect me as a human being? I believe in spirituality and I believe in the human soul, but I do not concern myself with God, who has never had a presence I could identify. There are far more levels of growth in my spirituality before I can concern myself with that. When I think of dogma and religion, I only see ignorance. Humans attempting to explain something they do not yet understand. Relgion is nothing but a device to ignore one's spiritual questions. They are empty answers so that mankind would not be distracted from their material affiliations. The path to spiritual development can be achieved through many means, but to say one religion is right above others or to support a religion that doesn't not encourage growth is a waste of energy. I do not believe in any text or dramatized stories of the past. I believe in what I myself experience. I will find my own way to enlightenment by my own will.

Politics: My political values are limited at best. I have no interest in the squabbles of parliment or legislature. I do not wish to take responsibility for the laws that govern our country. There is no nation in the world without disputes and conflict, there is no escape from the oppression of government. While I live in a great country that allows many freedoms, I see that many values are at risk despite the benefits. There is no government in the world that can stop a man from killing another man, and there is no society in the world that can weed out the immoral from the moral. There is no escape from corruption because all societies are made of people, imperfect, impulsive people. There are always choices to be made, and though certain parties may have the advantage, there will always be a conflict between individuals, and everyone will live by their own sense of justice. This does not mean that I cannot appreciate the efforts made to lay the foundation for this system, but that I will not recognize politics as anything more than an imperfect system of control over the individual. And let it remain that way.

Love: To believe in love is to be a romantic or an idealist. To be in love is to relinquish one's inhibitions and embrace madness. Love is not an passing fancy, love is not a flirtatous courting ritual, love is empowering, love is eternal, love is dangerous and irrational. Love is wild and free, causing pain and pleasure simultaneously. A collision of emotions, a overwhelming desire that cannot be sated. To be in love is to be obsessed, to lose love is to know despair. Like a disease it consumes and kills us, like a devil it taunts and manipulates us, it makes us feel dirty like garbage, it makes us feel pure filling us with white light. Like a knife it penetrates us, like a knife it bleeds us dry, like a knife it stains us red, boiling our blood and spilling it, opening us, connecting us, fullfilling us, a sudden flow of warmth, pain and pleasure meet at last before death do us part. Love may not be fleeting, but a heart is little more.

~ Chris

Argh, I really need to install that Half-Life 2 game. It's just sitting there...mocking me with its physics engine and ground-breaking gameplay. All I've been playing is Oblivion, and though the graphics are revolutionary, what with the new generation of gaming and all, it's just so darn tedious and repetitive. It's not dynamic enough, not enough mental stimulus. Let's see, Doom 3 and F.E.A.R had a lot of thrilling action packed animation and kept me on the edge of my seat with anticipation. I was also pretty freaked out at times too but that's besides the point. Chronicles of Riddick: Butcher Bay was pretty awesome too because I was forced to think to solve certain problems as well as deal with the estranged gameplay. It's pretty neat that games are expanding like they are, I'm pretty excited for the new Wii now, just like everyone else. I wasn't at first because I'm usually not impressed with much of anything these days, but I'm starting to appreciate its value in the gaming industry. The gameplay will be much more dynamic and interactive even without the super ultra cool graphics. Nintendo, those crazy risk-takers.

Anyways, my mind really hasn't been much on games, aside from playing Guitar Hero today. I was jamming pretty awesomely I must say, but what's really been on my mind is how frick'n lonely I've been all this time without a girlfriend. I've started asking people out to dates again, but there just isn't anyone in my life right now that seems to be worth my energy. And I'm finding I get less and less excited about anything at all just because I don't have anyone to share my thoughts and emotions with. My family, who seems to be some of the only people around these days, are just getting on my nerves. I'm lashing out negatively regardless of the situation or discussion. It's like I don't even want to be around them or anyone because my mood is so foul. I try not to even talk to them because I know I won't have anything nice to say. I'm just turning into a big jerk. It sucks. Girls suck. I suck. On the plus side I've actually began to motivate myself into doing something day by day. I decided to start taking a day off of work every week in the middle of the week and dedicate it to Creativity. I call it my Creative Day. I think tomorrow is my Creative Day so I'm trying to get some projects lined up for myself. I swear I'm going to work on this website of mine if it kills me over a slow period of time. Damn. Also I'm going to start opening Photoshop everyday, not just on Creative Day, just so I can start messing around. Blarghin flarghin.

Ah well, that's about it for me. I might go see the Superman Returns movie tonight with my brother depending. Laterz

~ Chris

Hi, my name is Chris Crafton, and I'm taking a break from my busy work day in order to express myself through writing in this online journal. It hasn't been easy being me, though I've often imagined much worse senarios I could have been born into. I have a loving family, and though we don't always get along they've supported me through all these years. I don't know much about my lineage beyond the time of my grandparents, and I don't know much about loss aside from losing my grandmother and grandfather. I often wonder if it makes much of a difference anyways where people come from. Being a caucasian with mixed European blood doesn't tie me particularly close to any culture. And being an American is a strange experience for me as America's cultures are enigmatic and chaotic in my eyes. This suits me well, though, as it allows me to act whichever way I like without being judged too harshly. Still, it's difficult for me to make connections with people as there is little relation between me and the rest of the country. Though I was raised Catholic, I find that I disagree with many Catholic ideals and that I follow my own set of beliefs. It's difficult then to connect with others through faith as well. This requires me then to create relationships based on individual connections rather than on a group basis. And though this is probably a good thing since I don't categorize or stereotype individuals, it's more difficult to meet individuals since I have little to no connection to build upon. Overall my personality has developed as reserved and passive, observing the world and making selective decisions based on a particular curriculum. Since I find it difficult to interact socially I'm much more cautious with my interaction. And naturally, being cautious creates a sort of barrier between me and other people. Now this creates a number of problems with my social interaction since I'm not very outgoing or ambitious. Now I'm twenty-three years old and I find I'm just now becoming comfortable with myself. Having more confidence in myself I become more active in my social life. Simultaneously I've found I have more initiative towards my personal and financial goals. Yet there are still discrepancies in my lifestyle that lower the value of my existence. My lack of motivation due to social deprivation, internal conflicts based on past unresolved emotional baggage, and even health issues from a body that doesn't recieve enough nutrients or exercise. My creativity and productivity as well as my emotional development are being affected. So thus I begin to look back on my life and reflect on the paths I've taken in order to chose a path for my future. Hopefully things will become clear with time.

Finally I'm done being depressed. Well, more than usually anyways. At least I'm finding myself more motivated than usual. I think all I needed was a little social time with my friends to remind me I'm not alone in the world. I've been giving my parents a hard time about it but they'll just have to realize that I'm human and I experience emotions just like anyone else. I've decided that the job in Detroit sucks and I'm thinking about quitting it. The projects they give me are just ridiculous and I can't get them done anyways. Of course there are other options. I could ask for a different project, or I could request to start working on these projects at home. Apparently he already said he didn't like that idea, but if I can't do the work I can't get paid and I'm just wasting gas going there every other day. I'm not even getting the experience of working in Maya because it's just tedious and repetitive and there's no creativity involved anymore. Plus their equipment doesn't even work properly and Maya just crashes all the time. But aside from that I managed to get a friend of mine to start working on my old external hard drive to see if he can salvage some of my old files. There were some old stories and artwork on that computer, I hope he can get it to work again. Also I managed to organize most of my music files and transfered them to my MP4 player so now I can enjoy the bulk of my music wherever I go. I'm also wearing a nice shirt today and I know I look good. I just need to get a haircut now and I'll be all set. Well time to get back to work. Chao.